Mandurah Makos miss the Mail

I play football – not very well but I give it a red hot go. I also write. Fortunately, considering my profession, my skills with a pen or a keyboard are far better than my skills with a boot and a ball.

Anyway, because of my writing nous, the club has asked me to put some articles together for the local newspaper. It’s an interesting prospect and a challenge I’m happy to undertake – a challenge because it’s a writing style I’m not practiced in. 

The Mandurah Mail has been good so far; they published this piece. Unfortunately, they didn’t have the space for this one:

Makos March to 2017 Season

 

On Sunday the 26th of March, the Mandurah Makos finished up their preseason preparations with an impressive showing against the Rockingham Rams.

The scratch-match, played across six ‘quarters’, allowed the players the opportunity to shake off some of the cobwebs that had appeared over the off-season. Despite being played in blustery conditions, the players worked their way into the game and showcased why, despite their age, Masters footballers are still an exhibition worth watching.

Integral to the Makos’ success on the day were the midfield contributions of Matt Dunn, Brendon King and Steve Thomson who provided ample supply to 5-goal forward, Michael Griffifths. Tod Holderhead was at his bullocking best while Kieran Eiffler recovered from a head knock to kick an important goal. The Pattinson brothers, Grant and Brett, were constructive at half forward and half back respectively but play of the day came from Ronnie Barton who kicked the impossible goal – a checkside banana from the boundary line. More importantly, the coaches were buoyed by an even performance described by club president, Tony Wilkey, as an “encouraging team effort throughout from all grades in preparation for the season opener”. 

The Makos didn’t have it all their own way; however, as Rockingham were well represented by Pieter Wilson, Shane Parry and Geoff Adams who were the best players in their age group.

If you are interested in playing Masters footy or joining the Mandurah Makos as a social member, you can contact Tony Wilkey on 0421 708 764.

So, I thought I’d give it the Titus O’Reily treatment. Here goes:

Mandurah Makos vs Rockingham Rams

 

This was Mandurah’s second competitive hit out of the preseason. Their first was against the Thunderbirds. The blokes always look forward to competing against the ladies. The women come out firing, hunting the ball with ferocity, while the men just go out there looking for a touch. The sexist banter in the change rooms afterwards is also pretty solid; cracks about hardball gets and so on. The game against Rockingham was against other men though, so the post-match banter was exactly the same. Boys will be boys after all. 

This annual fixture between friendly rivals is always an odd one. The game itself goes for six quarters, which goes to show why footballers aren’t exactly known for their intellect, and three age groups roll through as the teams see fit. That is, the blokes run out on the ground and see just how unfit they’ve become in the off season and are replaced one-by-one with players who have remembered that training has started for the year. 

The wind was really cranking that day which was a blessing for the players who blamed their poor skills on the blustery conditions and not their own preparation. Not that all of the fellas on the field struggled. Dunny showed everyone that his nickname is ironic by not being shit, Thommo played the game like someone who teaches other people how to play footy for a living, and G kicked a bag of goals. 

The Patto brothers did little to help people remember which one’s Grant and which one’s Brett but they did well on the field. Kieran took a big knock to the head and came out of the game making more sense than he normally does while Kingy undid his work with the ball as a player by trying to take a mark while he was wearing the umpire vest, and Toddy proved that a ginger ninja covered in sun cream is a hard beast to tackle.

Highlight of the day was a checkside banana by Neville Bartos if he does say so himself. And he does. Nev is one of my nicknames and probably the most used one behind Dickhead. It was an Eddie Betts like goal and, just like Eddie, I lack confidence with my set shots. Unlike Eddie, my shorts actually fit me and don’t look like a small circus tent. Another thing that separates me from the Crows’ superstar is that my goal was a fluke and probably won’t stop me from being relegated to my usual spot of back pocket. 

Anyway, the Makos won this game even though we don’t keep score. Even if we lost I’d probably say we won, it’s not like it matters. Most importantly, no one got injured. No, the most important thing was that the post match snags were hot and the beer was cold. If that had been the other way around, it would have been the worst possible outcome for all involved. 

Stay classy, Mandurah.

5 movie references NOT to use during sexy time

Movies are an integral part of the fabric of society and the lines delivered by the stars often become part of our everyday dialogue.

I have heard many a person say “I’ll be back” in their best (which is probably also their worst) Arnie impression and how many of us have stood arms outstretched claiming to be “king of the world”?

But there are some situations where specific movie references are best avoided. Here’s 5+ examples you (men) don’t want to use in the bedroom:

scarface.jpg

1. Say “hello” to my little friend.

 

Imagine this, you’ve wined and dined and now you’re hoping to get your leg over so you invite your prospective sexual partner in for some “coffee”. The lights are dimmed, the music is on and you drop your pants citing this classic Scarface line…

While it seems witty, it’s doubtful any man wants their partner thinking that their penis is “little”. Plus, the line brings out connotations of a coked-up gangster shooting all over the place… hardly romantic.

 

2. Here’s Johnny!

 

Again, the scene is set – there’s candles and flowers, dinner was home cooked and served with a glass (or three) of wine. You take her in to the bedroom, unzip your fly and quote this line from The Shining as you stick your penis through the gap like a head through a door that’s been hacked to pieces by a homicidal maniac.

Classy!

Sure, you might’ve been making a more harmless reference to the 1995 hit song of the same name, or Johnny Bravo or The Tonight Show but what’ll come to mind for most people is that all work and no play leads to stabbing not sex.

 

3. Free Willy

 

Ok, so this isn’t a quote per se but if you’re inclined to call out the title of this film while removing your underwear you’re an immature man-child with delusions of grandeur. No self-respecting adult calls their penis a willy and if you’re comparing your manhood to a whale you’re going to bitterly disappoint someone.

Plus, all I can think about is the clip from The Simpsons where the whale doesn’t make it over the rocks and ends up killing the child protagonist. More connotations you don’t need.

 

 

4. Grab your stick! Heat ’em up! Make ’em hard!

 

If you’re in a homosexual relationship, this Ghostbusters line might actually work. It probably won’t, but it makes more sense than in any heterosexual dalliance. For the most part, it just sounds like you’re wanking – and possibly doing so too often if you’re getting friction burns. Any mention of “heat” when talking about your “stick” is probably worth a trip to the doctor.

 

 

5. Open the pod bay doors

 

So you’ve read the first few points on this list and recognised that their all in reference to your Mills and Boon style “throbbing member” and you’ve thought to yourself that maybe film quotes only work when you’re talking about a vagina. Wrong! They don’t work there either.

This 2001 line is a prime example. Likewise, upon penetration, don’t think it’s a great idea to get all Ace Ventura and say it fits “like a glove”.

Sure, maybe lines from porn movies might work. The ones with a scripted plot. They still make them, right? But your Hollywood blockbuster isn’t going to give you the goods.

No woman is going to be turned on by being informed she “can’t handle the truth” and no man should call his cock “the truth” anyway.

 

If there’s other film quotes you think shouldn’t be used in sexy time scenarios, let me know in the comments.

 

And, if this blog post proves popular, tune in for the follow-up where I refer to TV shows to tell you it’s not a good idea to walk up to women in nightclubs with your penis out asking “have you met Ted?” and so on…