Once cherubic

I’ve just written a post on mental health. It’s a touchy subject and I’m saddened by the fact that at least two of the younger people in my extended family have self-harmed and attempted suicide. I’m saddened too about the number of young males in my local area who have taken their own lives this year. This, then, is a poem I wrote when my cousin first went down this path…

 

“Once Cherubic”

 

In such a sanitary world

I should be wiped from the face of the Earth.

I’ve caused little but trouble since birth

and I tire of the slaps on the wrist;

perhaps it would be better for all

if I simply ceased to exist.

 

This isn’t a new train of thought

(this engine has seen its fair share of use)

but it’s a busier line than I remembered.

I look around at the other passengers

– so many of us

– so many, so young

when I see a familiar face among the fray.

To gaze upon her soft skin

and eager eyes

hurts more than any blade.

I numb my pain with alcohol;

she number her with drugs

until her liver failed.

Doctors spent days

bringing her back

but she’ll never be the same.

Once cherubic,

she will forever be known now

for her darkness;

nothing will be innocent or easy again.

 

An invisible tattoo

labels her as a suicide risk.

It has become an unshakable

part of her history,

its shadow cast over her future.

 

In my darkest days

a black hole dwelled in the pit of my stomach.

It would drain me,

destroy me –

an emotional void that caused physical pain.

I would plan my demise.

Occasionally I would make my death bed,

set up what I needed,

but I could never follow through.

 

She has taken the first step,

I hope she never takes another.

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